Fear of Commitment?

I have taken a wrong turn,
when will I learn?
when will I learn?

Like an angry apple tree,
I throw my apples,
if you get too close to me.

But if I look to my right,
Will I see the one I fight for?
Or if I look to my left,
Will I see that I have kept my heart
       locked up, locked up so tight?

--"Locked Up", Ingrid Michaelson


I recently was accused of fearing commitment. I want to analyze that idea.

Am I afraid of commitment? I think I am. When the Army wanted me, I said "No thanks. Eight years is a looong time."

When I went on my mission, I thought "Woah. Two years is a long time."

When I fell in love the first time, I got scared and panicked. I called it off, and then tried like mad to fix it. No dice.

When I fell in better love, I didn't feel good about it and called it off. Now I try like mad to fix it. The dice are still rolling.

I think I fear commitment because I worry that it ties me down and limits my choices. However, as I write this, I am reminded of a blessing I received which stated that marriage would not limit me doing things I wanted to, but would actually aid and contribute to them.

At what point do I say 'I face my fears, I toss excuses on the rubbish heap, I grab her hand and jump?'

Now.

Drinking Lyrics

Some people drink away their sorrows. I drown mine in music.

"Oh baby, don't you know I suffer? Oh baby, can you hear me moan?"--Muse

"There's a devil on my shoulder, baby
and I believe too many things he says,
I'm fighting these fears,
as I'm finding truth,
and I'm sorry for hurting you"--Dave Barnes

"Would it be,
all of your dreams, so well suited
         to someone like me,
I would watch you achieve.
Wouldn't that make me
so damn unhappy?" --Henry Ate

"[I] have fallen down again tonight,
In this world, it's hard to get it right,
Trying to make your heart fit like a glove,
What it needs is love, love, love."--Ingrid Michaelson

"J'ai demandé à la lune
Si tu voulais encore de moi
Elle m'a dit j'ai pas l'habitude
De m'occuper des cas comme ça

Et toi et moi
On était tellement sûr
Et on se disait quelques fois
Que s'était juste une aventure et que ça ne durerait pas"--Indochine

See where all my follies have led?"--The Decemberists

My life changes this weekend. It is a terribly, pitiful sorrow that we cannot undo things done. It is a cruel law that we must learn from mistakes only after making them.

I write for a living. My words have earned money, wooed women, been in print, been onscreen, and fill mountains of scraps of paper in my bedroom. Yet I lack the simple ability to write words like those the afore-quoted poets have.  And so I sit,  pouring a bottle of lyrics down my ears that never empties no matter how much I drink. Sing the sorrow, drink the sorrow.

"There's only one way
to say
those three words
and that's what I'll do"

I'm drunk.