My Complicated Affair with The Office

 I first saw 'The Office' in 2006 as a college freshman. I think it resonated with me because I was becoming an adult, and  'The Office' embodied adulthood to me: getting a job and trying to fall in love.

Of course, I always connected with Jim. He's got better hair than me, but he's the hero of the story. Is he going to outwit Dwight again? Is he going to get the girl, finally? While Jim battled his way up the stunted corporate ladder of Dunder-Mifflin, I battled my way across campus, coming home at night to join the other 25 guys on my hall and watch the next step in Jim and Pam's relationship (The Office--chick flick in disguise? for guys?) See, gang, this is what we get to look forward to!

Then I went and fought some other battles. When I got back, Michael and then gang were still going strong. Here's where it gets dicey. 'The Office' started encouraging me. Hey, if Jim can make Co-Manager, then I can get my bachelor's degree. If Andy can overcome his anger, dodge a marriage to Angela, and realize his true feelings for Erin, I bet I can learn to cope with depression. If Toby sees his Costa Rica dreams shattered and keeps plugging along, then I persevere despite my own scars. If Jim and Pam can finally live happily ever after, then maybe I can find true love too.

Six years later, I still love the show. When you realize that you turn to Jim and Pam and Michael and Creed to cheer you up after a long day in your own office, you know that something's going to have to change. Or is that really what 'The Office' is all about? They all hate their jobs, but they do it because they need to. Broken Bells says that "there's no shortcut to a dream. It's all blood and sweat, and life is what we manage in between." The characters in the show do what they do because its the blood and sweat that lets them live life in between the shenanigans of Michael, the machinations of Dwight, and the yearnings of Kelly. Life's really about doing what you need to to get by, so you can improve and progress.

That's what I learned in the office today.

The Avengers Fulfilled

I saw The Avengers tonight with my buddy Bryce. Great movie, but that's not what this post is about. I want to talk about how this movie "came true."

Every movie has a moral. Whether or not we like to admit it or always live up to it. Television shows, when they originally debuted, always featured a moral. Go watch any show from the 1950s and there is a nicely stated "Well, we've learned that..." statement at the end. We still do it today, in a bastardized sense. How I Met Your Mother or Family Guy still restate their episodes' thesis statements at the end.

The Avengers' is all about trying when victory really does seem impossible. Phil Coulson (played admirably by Clark Gregg) literally dies trying. Scarlet Johannson has some awesome line about how they have to keep going, no matter what, even if it's just one or two them. They have to keep fighting for victory.

Okay, step out of the big screen. I'm a 24-year old college junior, who makes $8.50 an hour. I went through two major, traumatic life events in the last month and am not ashamed to admit I started questioning the usefulness of living life. But, thanks to an awesome set of parents, a stranger named Ben, and now, The Avengers, I'm striving.

This is a movie coming true. Remember the little neighborhood kid in Spiderman (1? 2? 3?)? Who's all like "oh, I look up to Spiderman and want to be a better person because of him"?  Dude, that's me. I went and saw a movie (The Rudy theme I'm listening to just hit that big majestic, triumphant swell in the middle) and said to myself "I have to be like those heroes."  I have to keep doing my best, even when it's terribly lonely and sad and the odds seem totally unbeatable.  Me, with all my personal depression and heartache and anger and fear and frustration, in a little town in Utah, has to keep fighting the good fight. Even if I'm dying on some battleship bulkhead, I have to take one (mostly useless) shot at Loki, because it's what I can do. Even if I'm single-handedly  fighting off an alien invasion force and there's no apparent rescue, I have to keep smashing biotechnical brains because it's what I can do. Even if I hate my job and feel lonely and depressed and just keep going because I hope things will get better, I will because it's what I can do. 


I'm not Captain America. Even at my angriest, I'm not Bruce Banner. My hair will never be like Thor's. I'm not Iron Man. I can't shoot like Hawkeye and I'm certainly not Scarlet Johannson.  But I'm me and I'll fight my fight because

it's what I can do.

Fear of Commitment?

I have taken a wrong turn,
when will I learn?
when will I learn?

Like an angry apple tree,
I throw my apples,
if you get too close to me.

But if I look to my right,
Will I see the one I fight for?
Or if I look to my left,
Will I see that I have kept my heart
       locked up, locked up so tight?

--"Locked Up", Ingrid Michaelson


I recently was accused of fearing commitment. I want to analyze that idea.

Am I afraid of commitment? I think I am. When the Army wanted me, I said "No thanks. Eight years is a looong time."

When I went on my mission, I thought "Woah. Two years is a long time."

When I fell in love the first time, I got scared and panicked. I called it off, and then tried like mad to fix it. No dice.

When I fell in better love, I didn't feel good about it and called it off. Now I try like mad to fix it. The dice are still rolling.

I think I fear commitment because I worry that it ties me down and limits my choices. However, as I write this, I am reminded of a blessing I received which stated that marriage would not limit me doing things I wanted to, but would actually aid and contribute to them.

At what point do I say 'I face my fears, I toss excuses on the rubbish heap, I grab her hand and jump?'

Now.

Drinking Lyrics

Some people drink away their sorrows. I drown mine in music.

"Oh baby, don't you know I suffer? Oh baby, can you hear me moan?"--Muse

"There's a devil on my shoulder, baby
and I believe too many things he says,
I'm fighting these fears,
as I'm finding truth,
and I'm sorry for hurting you"--Dave Barnes

"Would it be,
all of your dreams, so well suited
         to someone like me,
I would watch you achieve.
Wouldn't that make me
so damn unhappy?" --Henry Ate

"[I] have fallen down again tonight,
In this world, it's hard to get it right,
Trying to make your heart fit like a glove,
What it needs is love, love, love."--Ingrid Michaelson

"J'ai demandé à la lune
Si tu voulais encore de moi
Elle m'a dit j'ai pas l'habitude
De m'occuper des cas comme ça

Et toi et moi
On était tellement sûr
Et on se disait quelques fois
Que s'était juste une aventure et que ça ne durerait pas"--Indochine

See where all my follies have led?"--The Decemberists

My life changes this weekend. It is a terribly, pitiful sorrow that we cannot undo things done. It is a cruel law that we must learn from mistakes only after making them.

I write for a living. My words have earned money, wooed women, been in print, been onscreen, and fill mountains of scraps of paper in my bedroom. Yet I lack the simple ability to write words like those the afore-quoted poets have.  And so I sit,  pouring a bottle of lyrics down my ears that never empties no matter how much I drink. Sing the sorrow, drink the sorrow.

"There's only one way
to say
those three words
and that's what I'll do"

I'm drunk.

Nate in 2012

Wow, if blogging was like Church, I'm the old less-active codeger who lives on the hill outside of town.

But you might ask, who is Nate NOW?

I'm still working as a writer and finally getting my associate's degree from UVU in April; getting ready to dive into the second half of a bachelor's.

I'm playing the piano a lot more and looking to recruit musicians for my new music project "Bunny and the Mince Pies". This picture inspired it.

Christmas in Texas was fantastic! The thunderstorms were picturesque, the temperature never dipped below 50, the family time was cheerful and just what the doctor ordered, and when I got back to Utah there was no snow. A perfect holiday.

It's 2:39 A.M. and I'm going to play Zoo Tycoon.