Narnia is Over

Since January 2011 I've been directing Narnia the Musical. It ended last weekend, and I am sad. My cast performed admirably. It was presented by Upstage Theatre for Youth in Payson, Utah, and my 43 5-18 year olds were superb. It was wonderful, and I miss it already. The cast presented me and Jules, our music director, with signed pillowcases and framed portraits. They were so talented. I didn't realize Payson had such great kids, and I look forward to working with them in the future. For Narnia!

I just got a part as Andy, the drummer, in SCERA's Camp Rock! and am also directing a 1-act play for them in July. Fingers crossed that I get permission from Fox to present my own stage adaptation of Anastasia.

Elizabethtown

My best college friend, Anna, invited me over to watch Elizabethtown tonight. We both love that movie, and have been planning to watch it for almost a year. We did. It was still great, and I realized I'm dissatisfied with my life. I'm far too young for that.

Today I watched my cast perform admirably. I smashed my finger helping someone else do their job and it hurts a lot. I said a bad word to feel better and felt bad later for saying it. I put ice on it and it felt better, and spilled the ice water all over my pants on the way into an audition. I was invited to plan a musical night for the Huntsman Cancer foundation, and got heart-hurt by a girl. and then I watched Elizabethtown with Anna and felt sad and happy and dreamed happy dreams. On May fourth, I lived.

Love

This could get deep. If you don't want that or aren't interested, beat it. This will get personal.

This is my blog, so I get to say what I want. When I felt the need to write tonight, my first impulse what to put it where I normally put stuff: facebook. But then anyone can read it and say what they want about it. Plus it always seems like some desperate plea when people unload their thoughts and feelings on F-book. (appropriate name, no?) But, here, on my blog, I am king.

I watched 500 Days of Summer tonight. In itself, that's nothing special; it's a good movie, I watch it now and then. Actually, it's a brilliant movie, from cinematography to writing to acting to a killer musical score to presentation; it's just well done. Here's my story with 500 Days.

I was introduced to it a year ago, this time, by Brooke Walrath (nee Oveson) who I was madly in love with. As a writer, it annoys me that I cannot find the words to accurately express the degree of love I felt for her. Movie-me aside, I loved the film because it summed up my feelings so well; deep, passionate love for someone who you couldn't do without. The only disappointing part was how the film was generally aimed at expressing the heartache that comes from failed relationships. No matter, I was in love and she was in love with me, and while all was perhaps not well in the world, I was happy. I was turning my life around, I was happy. For the first time in over a year, I felt like there was a reason for me to be on earth and living. I shaped up in lots of ways, took on responsibilities, planned for the future, made good decisions.

But no. Within four months of leaving me she was married. Like Tom, I ended up sitting on a park bench alone. Well, piano bench.

I was dead. My soul was destructing inside me. I don't think I've ever cried so much in my life. I played my heart out again and again on the piano at Alta Apartments. I didn't sleep. I couldn't work. I couldn't find a reason to eat. The notes to Regina Spektor's Hero are embedded in those poor piano keys, banged out over and over.

I was sure I had found my soulmate. That woman I had promised to marry before I even had a body. Everything lined up. Things I had believed my whole life were spoken for the first time from someone else's lips. Premonitions came and then came true. She was the one, at last I'd found her. God bless Rock Band. I'm the hero of this story, I don't need to be saved. I'm the hero of this story, I don't need to be saved.

But no.

I felt what Tom felt, except that he was a character in a movie and felt agony for a few minutes, while I'm a living person who experienced it. I watched the Reality/Expectations scene of 500 Days of Summer time and time again. The movie, introduced to me by Brooke, helped me get over her. It puts its arm around me and comforted me, telling me exactly how I felt. It's all right, it's all right, it's all right, it's all right, it's all right.

So now. 1 year to the month since I fell in love, I watched in again with friends. It brought back shadows of pain, ripples of sorrow, flickers of good memories and happiness. I know heartache. When my child is in tears of a broken heart, I will feel completely justified in saying "I know exactly how you feel."

It's such a good movie. It's a pretty traumatic movie. You don't cuddle up afterwards and say "mmm, that was a good movie." You all sit in stunned silence and then you excuse yourself so you can go cope with the fire hose your heart just drank out of.

To this day, I sometimes doubt I will experience that kind of love again. My religion says I will, my friends and mentors say I will. I hope I will find better love. But sometimes I don't think so. Those times, I think that was my God-given chance, that once-in-a-lifetime fairytale love where everything lines up just right.

But then where would Autumn be?

I'm sure, given the cosmos and the fact that everyone and their dog is online, someone will read this blog who was on the sidelines for my story and understand. Maybe this post will go unnoticed by all by seven, and that would be fine. Maybe some jerk will message Brooke and say "Nate wrote about wah wah wah, blah blah blah." But this is my blog, and I get to say what I want. I'm the hero of this story, I don't need to be saved. Well, yes, I do.

I've experienced 500 Days of Summer from both ends of the tale. The overwhelming joy at aligning-stars love, the utter pain of losing it, but not just losing it, having it shatter and sink to blackness all around you.

It's all right, its all, right its all, right its all, right its all, right its all...

St. Valentine's Day

This year I promised myself I would not be bitter. I would not feel spiteful towards loving couples, I would shun the "singles awareness crowd" and wish poxes on all those who proclaimed "love sucks!" blah blah blah. I would not "tolerate" or "put up with" Valentine's Day. I would simply live it.

I'm chilling on a comfy blue couch between classes, in my new favorite spot by the eastern wall in my new favorite eastern-most building, and it's never crowded.

A year ago I was in the best relationship of my life and it was the worst Valentine's Day ever. This year I'm in a much worse place, personally, but the day seems like it could be pretty good. It's sunny out, which means I'm in a good mood.

As far as Valentine's Day plans go, I'm not sure what I'm going to do. The men upstairs are going out for a romantic meal and then watching a chick flick together at home. It'd be fun. A friend asked me to hang out with her, but is insulting and baiting me at the same time, so she can go have fun with herself. Another friend asked me to go dancing. I haven't decided yet.

No one cared if they were single last week. Why do we feel the need to find a mate for the day? Look, world! I DO have a partner, see? One of my roommates rushed out the door at 2:30 am to go make out with a girl. Another one made a deal with an acquaintance that they would be valentines today...which means they are watching a movie with about 15 other people. ..not sure how that would be any different than usual.

So, here, for all the world to hear:

I, Nate, am single. It is St. Valentine's Day, a day of love, both erotic and emotional, a festival of amorous feelings, and I will observe the day and recognize it for the holiday it is, but I will not scramble for an available seat just because the music has ended. I will gladly stand, alone, while the pairs of the day, both long-standing and sudden, march through their evening's plans. I do not spite them for their love. I do not seek to take that from them. I look with distaste on those that say "It's Valentine's Day. Let's pretend we're in love for the night" but will not damn them either. With any luck, they will learn a thing or two about love and be able to recognize it in future.

I, Nate, am single. It is St. Valentine's Day.

1 Month Later

The last post was from the top of the wave. I'm a quarter of the way down; my mouth is hanging wide open, my cheeks flapping cartoon-like in the rushing air, my arms flailing wildly.

School: Spanish out, Auto Tech in. My instructor was very impressed with the car's condition, thanks to Dad keeping it in such good shape.

I keep reminding myself that I'm studying filmmaking because I currently like doing it, but everything I've worked in the industry, I've hated it. Why major in something you don't want a job in? That said.....I'm changing my major.

Criminal Justice: I've been tossing a career in law enforcement around since I was in 7th grade. Before that I wanted to be an archaeologist. My parents were slightly worried when as I 17 year old I declared I was going to study film. "You should probably have some other careers in mind too." They said. I don't think policework was one of the ones they had in mind. Maybe I've been watching too many episodes of SVU.

I'm directing Narnia the Musical in Payson, UT. Show goes up the end of April, come one come all, buy early and often. 50 kids, ages 6-18. That's a lot of responsibility. I'm excited for the show.

Kudos to my brother Drew, for everything.

This post is getting more and more scatterbrained as my undiagnosed concentration disorder kicks in. SOOoo..., in closing: Make decisions for yourself, find a reason to live, a goal to strive for, and a yummy piece of pie to eat.