This is my blog, so I get to say what I want. When I felt the need to write tonight, my first impulse what to put it where I normally put stuff: facebook. But then anyone can read it and say what they want about it. Plus it always seems like some desperate plea when people unload their thoughts and feelings on F-book. (appropriate name, no?) But, here, on my blog, I am king.
I watched 500 Days of Summer tonight. In itself, that's nothing special; it's a good movie, I watch it now and then. Actually, it's a brilliant movie, from cinematography to writing to acting to a killer musical score to presentation; it's just well done. Here's my story with 500 Days.
I was introduced to it a year ago, this time, by Brooke Walrath (nee Oveson) who I was madly in love with. As a writer, it annoys me that I cannot find the words to accurately express the degree of love I felt for her. Movie-me aside, I loved the film because it summed up my feelings so well; deep, passionate love for someone who you couldn't do without. The only disappointing part was how the film was generally aimed at expressing the heartache that comes from failed relationships. No matter, I was in love and she was in love with me, and while all was perhaps not well in the world, I was happy. I was turning my life around, I was happy. For the first time in over a year, I felt like there was a reason for me to be on earth and living. I shaped up in lots of ways, took on responsibilities, planned for the future, made good decisions.
But no. Within four months of leaving me she was married. Like Tom, I ended up sitting on a park bench alone. Well, piano bench.
I was dead. My soul was destructing inside me. I don't think I've ever cried so much in my life. I played my heart out again and again on the piano at Alta Apartments. I didn't sleep. I couldn't work. I couldn't find a reason to eat. The notes to Regina Spektor's Hero are embedded in those poor piano keys, banged out over and over.
I was sure I had found my soulmate. That woman I had promised to marry before I even had a body. Everything lined up. Things I had believed my whole life were spoken for the first time from someone else's lips. Premonitions came and then came true. She was the one, at last I'd found her. God bless Rock Band. I'm the hero of this story, I don't need to be saved. I'm the hero of this story, I don't need to be saved.
But no.
I felt what Tom felt, except that he was a character in a movie and felt agony for a few minutes, while I'm a living person who experienced it. I watched the Reality/Expectations scene of 500 Days of Summer time and time again. The movie, introduced to me by Brooke, helped me get over her. It puts its arm around me and comforted me, telling me exactly how I felt. It's all right, it's all right, it's all right, it's all right, it's all right.
So now. 1 year to the month since I fell in love, I watched in again with friends. It brought back shadows of pain, ripples of sorrow, flickers of good memories and happiness. I know heartache. When my child is in tears of a broken heart, I will feel completely justified in saying "I know exactly how you feel."
It's such a good movie. It's a pretty traumatic movie. You don't cuddle up afterwards and say "mmm, that was a good movie." You all sit in stunned silence and then you excuse yourself so you can go cope with the fire hose your heart just drank out of.
To this day, I sometimes doubt I will experience that kind of love again. My religion says I will, my friends and mentors say I will. I hope I will find better love. But sometimes I don't think so. Those times, I think that was my God-given chance, that once-in-a-lifetime fairytale love where everything lines up just right.
But then where would Autumn be?
I'm sure, given the cosmos and the fact that everyone and their dog is online, someone will read this blog who was on the sidelines for my story and understand. Maybe this post will go unnoticed by all by seven, and that would be fine. Maybe some jerk will message Brooke and say "Nate wrote about wah wah wah, blah blah blah." But this is my blog, and I get to say what I want. I'm the hero of this story, I don't need to be saved. Well, yes, I do.
I've experienced 500 Days of Summer from both ends of the tale. The overwhelming joy at aligning-stars love, the utter pain of losing it, but not just losing it, having it shatter and sink to blackness all around you.
It's all right, its all, right its all, right its all, right its all, right its all...
